Humor & Quotes for Speakers
Attitude
One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks.
Jack Penn
Abortion
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" exclaims the President.
"It's this Abortion Bill, Mr. President.
What do you want to do about it?"the aide replies.
"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President
Accountants
Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.
How is your daughter doing in accounting class?
Great. Now instead of asking us for her allowance. She bills us for it I taught him/her everything she knows. Before I came around he/she thought margins were those little black lines you had to stay in when you color.
Adam and Eve
Adam was created before Eve so that he would have a chance to learn how to speak.
Alzheimer's
After an extensive battery of tests, a guy meets with his doctor to discuss the results.
"I'm afraid I have two pieces of rather bad news," says the doctor, "First, you have inoperable cancer."
"Oh my god," says the patient, "what's the second piece of bad news?"
"You have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's," says the doc sympathetically.
"Well," responds the guy, "at least it's not cancer!"
Ambition
"I knew I was an unwanted child when I saw my bath toys were a radio and a toaster."
Joan Rivers
Baby Sitters
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Bribary
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?”
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us This day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words."
So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Bureacrats
"Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned."
--Milton Friedman
Cake
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank proving once and for all that YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR KAYAK AND HEAT IT, TOO.
Comedy
When you cut your finger, that's a tragedy. When you fall down a man hole and die, that's a comedy".
~ Mel Brooks
Discretion
"Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice."
--Unknown
Dyslexia
A man with dyslexia walks into a bra!
Food in Heaven
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks,pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?"
Foreign Languages
A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going "baa baa" to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "moo mooooooooooooooooooo!"
They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before.
"Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoo!"
One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face and then asks "George, why are you mooing. Your a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"
His friend replys gladly: " I know, I thought I would learn a foreign language!"
Friendship
"The only way to have a friend is to be one."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
Gates of Heaven
It’s a cold day at the gates of heaven. Three people, all of whom are border line cases to enter heaven are awaiting God’s final decision. Suddenly God appears and says:
“Ok, I’ve decided. If you can answer the following question I will let you enter. If not you go straight to hell”
Worried the three men agree. The first steps forward:
“Ok, what was Adam’s partner called/”
Relieved the first man replies “Oh that’s easy..Eve” and enters heaven.
The second man steps forward in trepidation of the Almighty One who continues his questioning:
“What was the forbidden fruit?”
Relieved the second man replies:
“Oh that’s easy..an apple!” He enters heaven.
Finally the third man enters sweating in fear. God thinks and continues:
“What was Eve’s first words to Adam?
“That’s a hard one!” says the man.
“Correct !” says God and the man enters heaven
God
A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
Golf
Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf.
Moses tees up and hits his ball into the water trap.
Nonplussed, he goes over to the lake, parts the water with his club, and hits the ball onto the green.
Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap, where the ball curiously floats. So he walks down to the lake, across the water, and its his ball out onto the green.
Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water, also. As the ball hits the surface of the water, a fish jumps up and swallows it and is immediately grabbed by an eagle, which deposits the fish on the green. The ball shoots out of the fish's mouth and rolls into the cup.
Jesus turns around and says, "Nice shot, Dad, but would you quit messing around and play golf?"
Hairdressers
Psychologists with scissors
Happiness
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
--Oscar Wilde
Heart
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched -- they must be felt with the heart."
--Hellen Keller
Inland Revenue
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service.
Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything .'"
Jewish Holidays
Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
Motza
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
Originality
In truth there are only five jokes in the world, God made one a day. On the sixth day he made man.
Put Down lines for audience members
Did you have a troubled childhood?
Everyone is entitled to be stupid but you're abusing the privilege.
Man, it may just be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Religion
Sometimes we turn to God when our foundations are shaking, only to find out it is God who is shaking them.
Revenge
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male.
These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”
And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”
Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’ll poop on its head.”
Self Confidence
"Self confidence comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong."
Senility
George Bush was campaigning at a old age retirement home.
He went up to a woman and shook her hand and said "Do you know who I am?"
"No," replied the old woman, "but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you!"
Smoking
Warning: Smoking can seriously lead to statistics
Speeches
I was always told that a good speech should have a good beginning middle and end. I would add that the nearer these three elements are the better
----
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
~ Harry S. Truman
Sperm Tests
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office for a sperm count test. The doctor gave the man a jar, told him to take it home and return the next day with a sample.
The next day, the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave the doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened.
"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then with my left... still nothing. Then, I asked my wife for help. She tried her right hand... but nothing. Then her left... still nothing. She even tried with her month, both with and without her teeth... and still nothing. We even called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but...still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
Tax
Everything we have is taxed - even our patience.
